Dr. Dougras, Ph.D. in LOLOLOGY (dougras) wrote in capslock_bleach,
Dr. Dougras, Ph.D. in LOLOLOGY
dougras
capslock_bleach

MR. DOUGRAS PRESENTS, CHAPTER ONE-HUNDRED-EIGHTY-AND-FOUR OF THE TALE OF BLEACH

DEAREST OF DEAR, GENTLE READERS,

WITHIN LIES ADVENTURE AND EXCITEMENT, SUCH AS PERHAPS NONE HAVE EVER BEFORE FELT, COMBINED WITH DEEPEST SORROW AND PATHOS. IT IS MY GREATEST HOPE THAT YOU, IN THIS ONE PRECIOUS INSTANCE, THIS ONE MOMENT, MIGHT READ THIS, AND FOR EVERY TEAR WHICH STAINS THE PAGE, YOU MIGHT REMEMBER YOUR KIND AUTHOR, WHO, NOT MEANING YOU TO SHED TEARS – IT BUT BEING THE OBVIOUS OUTCOME OF READING SUCH A TALE AS THIS, AS I AM COMPELLED TO SHARE WITH YOU (OH DEAREST OF READERS! THINK NOT TOO HARSHLY OF ME FOR IT, I BEG OF YOU) – SO THAT WE MIGHT ALL SHARE IN THE POWER OF SYMPATHY. OH DEAREST OF DEAR READERS!

GAZE UPON THESE FEW, POOR WORDS I HAVE WRITTEN, AND IF THEY CAUSE YOU TO PAUSE, AND FEEL THE EMOTIONS WHICH I NOW FEEL, FOR BUT A MOMENT, KNOW THAT WE SHARE THEM TOGETHER, DEAR READER. TOGETHER.

YOUR AFFECTIONATE AUTHOR,

MR. C. DOUGRAS, ESQ.



PRIOR ADVENTURES: MR. ICHIGO WITH THE AID OF MISS RUKIA, ABSCONDED WITH LE COMPT DE POISSONS, PRINCE UKE DE SAINTE-RAOUL. MR. KIRA FAILED THEN SUCCEEDED IN DRIVING BACK A FORCE OF FAILURE-ORIENTALISTS, BEFORE ONE WITH THE CURIOUS ASPECT OF AN OCTOPUS-LIKE APPENDAGE GAINED THE UPPER HAND (OR ONE MIGHT SAY 'UPPER TENTACLE,' DEAREST OF READERS), UNTIL HE WAS HASTILY DEALT WITH. MESSERS. RENJI, IKKAKU, SHUUHEI AND IBA ENGAGED IN FISTICUFFS THAT, ULTIMATELY, LED TO NO-ONE BEING INJUR'D, BY GRACE OF OUR LORD. THE CAPTAIN OF THE FILLER MET WITH MR. ICHIGO, AND MISS RUKIA, AND FOUND HIMSELF CHARMED WITH THEIR CAREFREE MANNERS, AND AIDED IN THE KIDNAPPING OF LE COMPT DE POSSIONS. MAHN SERVANTE, A LOWLY MANSERVANT, AND ROLL FIZZLEBEEF, A MUTE RUSSIAN, REMAIN CAPTIVES OF THE WICKED SPECTACLE'D AGE'D GENTLEMAN, WHILE FELICITY DARKHART, ONCE THE PERSONAL AIDE-DE-CAMPE AND LOVELY-ASSISTANT TO THE CAPTAIN OF THE FILLER, HAS GONE OFF ON HER OWN, TO SOME NEFARIOUS, BUT UNKNOWN DEED. AND, WHAT IS TO HAPPEN WITH LADY HATFACE, RUSSIAN PRINCESS, AND DUCHESS OF SAXE-COBURG AND GOTHA? NONE MAY YET KNOW, DEAR READER, BUT I, YOUR OBLIGING AUTHOR, SHALL ONCE AGAIN TRANSCRIBE THESE THRILLING ADVENTURES FOR YOU, SO THAT YOU MIGHT LEARN FROM THEM, AND PERHAPS GLEAN SOME GREAT TRUTH FROM THESE FEW PAGES.


FELICITY DAKRHART: MR. KIRA! HOW ENGAGING TO FIND YOU HERE. I'M VERY ENGAGED, LET'S HAVE AN ENGAGEMENT.
MR. KIRA: I WOULD RATHER NOT.

MR. SHUUHEI: APPARENTLY THOSE FISTICUFFS I WAS INVOLVED WITH IN OUR PREVIOUS ADVENTURE ARE NOW FINISHED. HOW OPPORTUNE.

MR. SILVER HAIR: I STILL AM UNAWARE OF MY NAME, SIR.
GENERAL GRANDFATHER GENRYUUSEI ELDERLY MAN YAMAMOTO: ::BLINKS::

MR. UKITAKE: I AM VEXED BEYOND ANY PREVIOUS LEVEL OF VEXATION.
MR. SHUNSUI: FEAR NOT, WHAT COULD POSSIBLY GO WRONG? WE HAVE MR. KIRA ON OUR SIDE.
MR. UKITAKE: AH! I HAD UTTERLY FORGOTTEN MR. KIRA. HE IS A MAN OF GOOD CHARACTER, AND FINE BEARING – SURELY NOTHING COULD POSSIBLY GO WRONG.
MR. SHUNSUI: ALSO, MR. MAYURI IS WORKING FOR US. WHAT COULD POSSIBLY GO WRONG?
MR. UKITAKE: NOTHING.

H___ BUTTERFLY: ALAS AND ALACK! A TERRIBLE THING TRANSPIRES!
CAPTAIN OF THE FILLER: YES, WHAT THE BUTTERFLY SPEAKS OF.
MR. ICHIGO: SIR, I AM CONCERNED. OUR FACES DO NOT HAVE THEIR TYPICAL FEATURES – AS TIME PASSES I FIND MYSELF LOOKING MORE AND MORE LIKE A PERSON OF BAD HERITAGE, AS IF MY MOTHER HAD WED HERSELF TO AN IRISHMAN. IS THIS PERHAPS SOME FIENDISH PLOT TO DESTROY OUR GOOD REPUTATIONS AND BY PROXY, US?
MISS RUKIA: WITHOUT MY CHARMING GOOD LOOKS, HOW SHALL I EVER HOPE TO SUCCEED IN THIS WORLD, SEEING AS HOW I AM A WOMAN?
MR. ICHIGO: ALAS, YOUR VISAGE CONCERNS AND BOTHERS ALL! WE MUST AWAY! ::THEY TAKE FLIGHT::

MISS YACHIRU: MR. KEN-CHAN, SHALL WE REST HERE FURTHER?
MR. KEN-CHAN: YES, LET US NOT WORK TOO MUCH, LEST WE DIRTY OUR FINE ATTIRE.

CAPTAIN OF THE FILLER: MR. ICHIGO, MISS RUKIA, I TAKE MY LEAVE FROM YOU NOW. ADIEU.
MR. ICHIGO: AND I, TOO, DEPART FOR OTHER LANDS. FARE-WELL.
MISS RUKIA: ALAS, TO BE A WOMAN, AND WHOLLY UNABLE OF GOING TO PLACES ON MY OWN. THE COMPTE DE POISSONS AND I SHALL REMAIN HERE.

FELICITY DARKHART: AND NOW, MR. KIRA, I SHALL UNDO YOU.
MR. KIRA: WOE BETIDE ME!
GENTLEMEN OF THE 3RD SQUADRON: WE HAVE ARRIVED!
FELICITY DARKHART: I SHALL FIRSTLY UNDO THEM!
GENTLEMEN OF THE 3RD SQUADRON: WOE BETIDE US! ::THEY FLEE::
FELICITY DARKHART: AND NOW, BACK TO YOUR UNDOING!
MR. KIRA: WAIT! A MEMORY REVISITS MY THOUGHTS! THIS SWORD WHICH I CARRY HAS A CURIOUS QUALITY TO IT! I SHALL USE IT AGAINST YOU!
FELICITY DARKHART: RUIN! FIDDLESTICK! I SHALL UNDO YOU!
MR. KIRA: AND YET, NOW THAT THE TONNAGE OF YOUR ENCHANTED WEAPON HAS INCREASED TEN-FOLD, YOU FIND YOURSELF UNABLE TO HANDLE IT. I, THROUGH THE UTILIZATION OF MY BRAINMATTER, HAVE TRIUMPHED.
FELICITY DARKHART: NOT YET, MR. KIRA! BEHOLD, MY ENCHANTED WEAPON ALSO HAS AN CURIOUS ASPECT TO IT!

INTERMISSIVE BREAK

FELICITY DARKHEART: YOU ARE UNDONE.
MR. KIRA: I, AND MY BRAINMATTER, ARE UNDONE!
FELICITY DARKHART: THROUGH DEVIOUS MEANS I HAVE CANCELED OUT YOUR WEAPONRY'S CURIOUS ASPECT; YOU SHALL BE SOON RENDERED VOID, AND WITHOUT FORM, MUCH AS THIS WORLD WAS BEFORE OUR LORD SPOKE IT INTO BEING.
MR. KIRA: I AM NOT YET WHOLLY DEFEATED, MADAM.
FELICITY DARKHART: I AM ANGERED, ANGERED BEYOND ANY POSSIBLE ANGER KNOWN TO WOMANKIND BEFORE THIS MOMENT. I SHALL STRIKE YOU NOW!
MR. KIRA: BEHOLD, A TORRENT OF FIRE! IT IS YOU WHO SHALL BE UNDONE!
FELICITY DARKHART: YOU HAVE RID ME OF MY SPECTACLES, MR. KIRA. FOR THIS I CANNOT FORGIVE YOU. BEHOLD, THE IRE OF A WOMAN SCORNED! ::A CEPHALOPOD APPEARS IN PLACE OF HER ARM::
MR. KIRA: THOUGH A FIRE RAGES ABOUT YOU, YOU ARE YET UNHARMED!
FELICITY DARKHART: YES, IT IS THE POWER GIV'N ME BY A CONTRACT FORMED WITH SATAN HIMSELF, VIA THIS CREATURE OF THE SEA!
MR. KIRA: JUST LIKE IN THE MONK, BY FAME'D AUTHOR MATTHEW "MONK" LEWIS ! A TREASURE OF LITERATURE WHICH ALL SHOULD READ!
FELICITY DARKHART: YES, PRECISELY. ALLOW ME, IN THIS MOMENT, TO TELL YOU OF MY LIFE AS A YOUNG WOMAN. I WAS OFTEN SCORNED BY THOSE AROUND ME, BECAUSE OF MY FONDNESS FOR LAVENDER GLASSES, WHICH EVEN IN PREVIOUS YEARS, WERE CONSIDERED HIGHLY UNFASHIONABLE. THROUGH HARD DILIGENCE, I PUT MYSELF THROUGH FINISHING SCHOOL, AND BECAME TRAINED IN THE WOMANLY ARTS. ALSO, IN THE ARTS OF KILLING MONSTERS WITH AN ENCHANTED BLADE, BUT THAT SEEMS AN UNIMPORTANT DETAIL NOW. THROUGH EVERYONE WHO KNEW ME AS A YOUNG WOMAN WAS HIGHLY AWARE I WAS UNSTABLE, AND LIABLE TO ACCIDENTALLY UNDO THOSE AROUND ME, APPARENTLY WHEN I RETURNED HERE TO WHERE, ONE WOULD SUPPOSE MANY WOULD REMEMBER ME, NONE DID. AND THEN I FOUND AN ENSORCELLED CEPHALOPOD, AND THE REST, I BELIEVE, YOU CAN DEDUCE FROM HERE.
MR. KIRA: I SUPPOSE THEN, WE MOVE ON TO THE PART WHERE I CRY 'WOE BETIDE US ALL?'
FELICITY DARKHART: WE DO.
MR. KIRA: WOE BETIDE US ALL!

LA FIN


FURTHERING ADVENTURES: MR. ICHIGO, MR, KIRA, CAPTAIN OF THE FILLER, MR. RENJI, FELICTY DARKHART, AND MISS SOI FONG ALL TAKE PART IN LOOKING ABOUT – IF I AM TO REVEAL ANYTHING MORE, DEAR READER, I DO NOT BELIEVE YOU SHALL BE ABLE TO WITHSTAND IT, WHEN COUPLED TO THIS WEEK'S MOST EXCITING OF INSTALLMENTS.


AN AFTERTHOUGHT WITH MESSRS. RYUUKEN AND ISSHIN.
MR. RYUUKEN: BEHOLD, THE MANY AND VARIED OUTFITS WORN BY THE QUINCY.
MR. ISSHIN: I HAVE HERE, IN MY HANDS, A PHOTOGRAM, WHICH I SHALL NOW REVEAL TO ALL, I LEAVE IT TO THE READER'S IMAGINATION WHAT MIGHT POSSIBLY BE ON THE REVERSE SIDE OF THIS PHOTOGRAM. I SHALL NOW TURN IT ABOUT AND REVEAL IT TO YOU.
MR. RYUUKEN: PERDIFY! ::AN ARROW STRIKES THE PHOTOGRAM AND AFFIXES IT TO THE WALL:: YOU SHALL NOT REVEAL IT.

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